Say It Ain't So

California's home-schooled headed for public schools? Sacramento, California -
A three-judge panel from the 2nd District Court of Appeals made it illegal on February 28 for any parent to home school their child, unless they have a teaching or tutor credential. Upon hearing the ruling, school districts officials began demanding that police take immediate action. So yesterday, throughout the state, judges secretly began swearing out and signing arrest warrants for any parent who was suspected of home-schooling their children without a teaching credential.

Setting up a special task force virtually overnight, SWAT teams and truant officers armed with arrest warrants and automatic weapons began rounding up wayward parents, and against their will placing their child in protective custody and enrolling them in public schools throughout the state.

Originally thought to be a logistical nightmare, distinguishing home-schooled children from that of the public school system, officials quickly learned they could gather up a list of suspects from last year's contestants, finalists and winners of the National Spelling Bee Contest, unusually high SAT scores and any kid who passed a random drug screen and/or pregnancy test.

"Also, we followed home any polite, courteous or well adjusted child," said Dug Martinez, SWAT Commander. "Oh, and any kid we caught actually doing their homework at the library."

In the early morning predawn darkness, SWAT teams and truant officers began their statewide sweep, crashing down the front doors in quiet peaceful suburban neighborhoods, but mostly in rural areas.

"After the California Superior Court medical marijuana ruling, the three-judge panel of the 2ND District Court of Appeals had to do something to try to restore the proper checks and balances to the political system that has been inadvertently eroded by that ruling," said a political scientist. "So they did what anyone would do in their situation, they pointed the finger at a minority group to draw away public attention from themselves."

"Also, they must have thought the ruling against home-schooling would bring in badly needed federal education dollars to the public schools for the upcoming recession, securing the liberal vote for the elected incumbency from the teachers' union," said a legal analyst from the Cassandra Institute Foresight School of Law.

"Overall, we netted a pretty good raid," said Officer Martinez. "We arrested the parents. Put the kids in protective custody and enrolled them in public school. We confiscated a whole bunch of high quality, up to date learning materials, too."

Listed among the home-schooling educational material seized by police: copies of "Plato's Republic; The Prince; The Magna Carta; The Federalist Papers; The Declaration of Independence; The Constitution and The Bill of Rights."

"You know until today's raid, I never even bothered reading this stuff myself. Let alone read it to my kids," said Officer Martinez. "I just found out we've alienated these good people out of at least three of their inalienable rights. Now, that ain't right."

The home-schooling learning materials will be held in the evidence locker to be used at trial, unless a plea bargain is reached, then they will be properly disposed with, according to Officer Martinez.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
Written by Robert W. Armijo
Story written: 11 March 2008